Learning about Love in a relationship

Can you remember your first ‘birds and bees’ lecture? If you are like most people, that’s about as far as your education went in terms of actually learning about why men and women get together in a relationship. Of course, as we get older, we realize that mummy and daddy came together in a relationship for more reasons than simply making little babies, usually being love. Yet our education fails to tell us how to navigate the most difficult and sometimes treacherous waters of relationships. Lost in the sea of love, we are left to cling to whatever pieces of information we can find, to give us some hint of how to get to the emotional and physical destination we desire. Yet, Cosmopolitan Sex Guides, pop songs, or religious sermons only seem to confuse rather than clarify the issue. Is it sex or is it love in a relationship? Is it fate or is it chance in a relationship? Is it nature or is it nurture in a relationship? Is it love for fools or the wise in a relationship? I would like to look at two dominant perspectives about the process of finding the right love relationship. These two perspectives are extremely different and show us the danger of assuming any universal laws about what makes a relationship work.

The Soul-Mate Relationship

The idea of the soul-mate originates in no one single tradition. It was present even in ancient Greece, when Aristotle once said ‘Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies’. In Christian traditions, this concept of soul-mate was another way to express the bonds of ‘eternal spiritual love’ which were part of the marriage ideal. This concept has also been developed within the modern new age tradition, which marries a belief in re-incarnation and karma with the idea of a twin soul. The principal idea behind the soul mate concept is that two souls reuniting is the highest form of relationship one can aspire to. The search for our perfect partner is in fact the search to return to ourselves more deeply. Cons - In some cases, the idea of the soul mate ideal can be very dis-empowering when people realize that no relationship lasts forever. Pros - The idea that finding our partner helps us to better understand ourselves is a very positive one. The real insight of soul mate relationship is to understand that all that we need is contained within ourselves. Finding a soul mate is really just sometimes like finding a mirror to find out who we really are.

The Arranged Marriage Relationship

Arranged marriage relationships, popular within Asian traditions, should not be confused with forced marriage relationships, though this practice sometimes still occurs. Generally, arranged marriage relationships occur with the general consent of everyone within the family. Yet, unlike western relationships, this process does not involve a process of dating or getting to know the other person. Instead, families actively search for a partner match based on cultural, class, family, and behavioural compatibility. The idea of love is understood not in terms of ‘falling in love’ but rather ‘growing into love’. Cons - Often emotional pressures from parents can be extremely high, to marry the ‘right’ person from the right background or religion. Also, arranged marriage can also sometimes not be in the son or daughter’s best interests, but be reduced to family politics and competition. Pros - Family guidance and support for the relationship development can provide valuable insight into what makes a relationship work. The idea that love is something that grows over time creates more realistic expectations of how a relationship will work. This more practical view ensures that there is no romantic love bubble to burst.

What can we use from these examples to help us in future relationships

From looking at these two examples, we can see that love doesn’t have to be like it is in the movies. It can be just as succesfull and happy and if you can clear your minds of these ideals then maybe our presumtions about the way love should be will disappear and we will no longer feel like we are being left out.